


If My Scars Could Talk

by youthfullyxhappy



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, please dont read if triggered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 23:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19840399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youthfullyxhappy/pseuds/youthfullyxhappy
Summary: Ever since TJ was a young boy his body was littered with scars. Some were small, like the one on his big toe from when he was 7 and walked straight into a rock. Or like the one on his knee from when he fell off his bike when he was ten, but some are bigger. The bigger scars are the ones that are most visible, these include the scars that run up and down his chest from when he had open heart surgery when he was a baby. Or the one on the inside of his left arm from where his stitches once were from falling out of a tree, but these aren’t the only scars on his body. He has scars that he made himself and are not visible to others. These are the scars that haunt him in his sleep and the ones he tries to hide.





	If My Scars Could Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Please dont read if you are triggered by self harm. 
> 
> Also, I know that this isn’t necessarily realistic, but when I was going through this all I wanted was somebody to talk to like TJ had Cyrus (also don’t kiss someone during a panic attack I took it from a movie, but don’t do that in real life.)

Ever since TJ was a young boy his body was littered with scars. Some were small, like the one on his big toe from when he was 7 and walked straight into a rock. Or like the one on his knee from when he fell off his bike when he was ten, but some are bigger. The bigger scars are the ones that are most visible, these include the scars that run up and down his chest from when he had open heart surgery when he was a baby. Or the one on the inside of his left arm from where his stitches once were from falling out of a tree, but these aren’t the only scars on his body. He has scars that he made himself and are not visible to others. These are the scars that haunt him in his sleep and the ones he tries to hide. 

TJ has never told anybody about the scars that scatter from his upper thigh into his inner thigh. The scars that started occurring at the age of 13 when he found solace in a tiny piece of metal. He isn’t proud of what he’s done, in fact he’s ashamed. When he was younger his mother used to tell him stories about how God created him in his own image, and how God’s image was always perfect. He can’t help but beat himself up thinking that he’s ruining God’s image, but that just leads to more scars. The more he beats himself up about ruining God’s image, the more he is ruining God’s image. Sometimes all TJ can wish for is somebody to talk to. Somebody that will listen, somebody that won’t judge, and his mind always wanders back to one person. To one boy in specific, and that boy happens to be the son of four therapists. 

TJ tells Cyrus almost everything that happens in his life. He’s told him about his parents divorce and how he still blames it on himself. He’s told him about his biggest fears, the one where nobody falls in love with him. He’s also told him his second biggest secret, that he’s gay. TJ can always confide in Cyrus, and is always met with understanding eyes, but for some reason he can’t tell him this. He knows exactly why he can’t. Cyrus is such a good person that he will go and tell his parents, then he’ll end up hospitalized, but that’s the last thing he wants. It’s been three years and nobody has noticed yet, and he isn’t ready to start talking about it with professionals. 

The first time TJ ever put that piece of metal to work was when he was 13. He just came home from school and felt like his world was collapsing in front of him. He needed something to make him feel. Whether it was to feel good or to feel bad, all he wanted was to feel for the first time in a long time. He remembered seeing something on TV about a girl going to the hospital from self harm scars, and he promised himself he would never do that, but then he thought ‘that will make me feel.’ And it did. It made him feel, it made him feel invincible because he was in power of what was happening. He was creating pain but he could also stop it. So that’s what he told himself whenever he cut himself. He kept saying that he could stop whenever he wanted to. He didn’t deem it as a problem at first because he only did it on bad days, he only did it when he couldn’t feel emotions. But the days of feeling emotions became less and less, so his thighs were getting covered more and more. The first time TJ realised he had a problem is when he ran out of room and was scared of someone seeing it. So he vowed to himself to stop. 

TJ went one whole week without harming himself but his body ached for the feel of the blade against his skin. It came to the point where he couldn’t help it anymore so he gave in. He’d keep going one week without self harm then giving up. This continued for 3 years. He always told himself he was making progress. He wasn’t harming himself every day, and yes that’s progress, but at the same time he knew that wasn’t enough. 

These thoughts kept eating at him, he knew he needed to tell someone, he knew that he needed an out. Against his better judgement he called Cyrus over. 

When Cyrus came to his house,the older boys body was shaking, and TJ tried to do everything to calm himself down. Cyrus knows everything about him, this one little thing isn’t going to draw him away, but as soon as Cyrus sees his shaking body he doesn’t know what to do. Out of all the books he’s read none of them can help him when it comes to helping your best friend who is clearly in a panic attack. Cyrus does whatever he can, but his mind keeps wandering back to one article. The article stated that when somebody is in a panic attack kissing them can calm them down, and against his own better judgement that’s exactly what he does. In the moment he has no clue if this is going to make it better, or if it’s going to make it worse, but as soon as his lips meet TJ’s the older boys body stops shaking. TJ looks at Cyrus with curiosity in his eyes “Cy, why’d you kiss me?” Cyrus doesn’t know how to answer that question so he rambles on about the article but is shut up with another kiss. At that moment TJ can’t remember why he called Cyrus over, until the younger boy asks. 

TJ starts to tell him about the scars on his body’s, the ones that he already knew about and the ones didn’t . TJ tells Cyrus about the first self inflicted scar on his body, and the younger boys eyes swell up with tears. All Cyrus can think is why somebody so amazing can do something so harmful to themselves. 

The night goes on as the two boys talk in TJs queen size bed, fingers intertwined, making sure they don’t let go. Cyrus shares his biggest secrets with TJ as well, although they aren’t are as dark. The two boys fall into a rhythm of asking each other personal questions that nobody else would know about them. 

“If my scars could talk, I wonder what they’d say?” TJ looked straight into the younger boys eyes hoping for an answer, hoping for an answer of truth. Cyrus waited a minute and played with skin around his thumb until he looked the taller boy in the eye, faces inches apart. 

“I think your scars would say a lot of things about. I think the one on your toe would ask you why you didn’t see the rock in the first place, and I think the one on your arm would ask you why you climbed up a tree by yourself. But I think the scar on your chest from your surgery would say that it’s glad your heart is still beating, and so am I. But most importantly, I think all of the scars that I can’t see would say that they’re proud of. I think they would talk to you about the night they were made and tell you not to make more, but I know they’d be proud of you. I know they would tell you that you’re doing amazing, but most importantly I know the scars would say that they don’t define who you are.” 

When Cyrus was finished he saw tears rolling down TJ’s face, he started to wipe them away when he cut himself off from his actions.   
“You don’t need your scars to talk to you, because I’ll talk to you instead.” 

The night ended with the two boys intertwined on TJ’s bed and emergency doctors appointment first thing in the morning. 

This is exactly what TJ needed.


End file.
